Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Us nationals grand Prix in canyons, Utah

Whew just got back form a pretty long week in Utah! I got there Tuesday and I was not having the same positive vibes that I was feeling in copper... I pushed those feelings aside and tried to joke and have fun with rj. I was struggling getting over the first feature... It was really getting to me too. I tried not to think too much about it, but for some reason I just wasn't in a great state of mind. I came back the next day a little nervous, but thought I would try it again. Still no success. I was getting frustrated so I moved on, decided to try to hit everything else in the course (since there were other huge features I had to worry about). I tried to push the start out of my mind and just focus on perfecting the rest of the course, but I was overthinking everything and making it much worse. I hit a breaking point. I rode up the hair alone and broke down. I was being so negative! Now thinking back I can't believe I let myself be so hard on myself! I was making myself believe that this was far too big of a step for me and what I was (am) capable of. I got to the top of the course and rj tried to talk me into doing the start again, but all I could do was sit there and stare at it and think thoughts that just brought me down. I was scared of failing. I didn't want to look stupid not being able to do the feature, so I was shutting positive vibes out. It wasn't that the 5 foot mound of snow that I had to jump up onto was scary, it was the fact that I couldn't do it that was scaring me. I talked to Langley and she made it easier to have a positive attitude. Improbably not because of what she said, but rather that an older, more experienced, ski cross icon was actually trying to help me out. I decided that I would proceed to compete in the qualifiers their following day. I started to push those bad thoughts out of my mind. I knew that it waning doing anyone any good with me just sitting there taking pity on myself... I watched a movie about prefontane and stopped myself from thinking "I did this that made this race unlucky or I did that and now Im not skiing well" bullshit. Fate is in MY hands and thats it. It is t in the long Jon's I wear or the order I put my clothes on in the morning, your fate is entirely up to you. When you believe in yourself, you will succeed. You must trust that all the hard work, training, muscle memory you have put in will take over and you must trust that your body is an incredible machine in which will operate correctly only when you believe. The day of the qualifiers as we drove to the mountain I told myself "I'm just going to have some fun. I don't care if I dont qualify. Who the hell cares? At least I'm here. I went out of the gate we t around the first feature, then skied conservative and played it safe just cruising. Then when I qualified I was like... Hmm well I know IMO not going to advance tomorrow to the finals so I'm just going to go down and have tons of fun! Fun fun fun thats all I was thinking about. As I pulled out of the start I just had a big fat smile on my face and I just went. Last place in the heat met of the way down, but really, I didn't care. Then I saw two girls fall and I saw my opportunity. I got so excited! I totally cared. I made the finals. It was real. Not just a situation I visualized the night before then was dissapointed the next day to see that lucy wasn't on my side, this was actually real life. I had a smile so big on my face and I just wanted to hug everyone!! I was about to run with the top girls in the world. The crowd was cheering, not sure if it was for me, but did I really care who they were cheering for? No! I spas so pumped I had no idea what was going on. Then we got to the top and I was trying to be cool cuz I literally wanted to scream I was so happy! Then when we pulled out of the start I was just so honored to be running in the final heat with those amazing athletes that I just wanted to ski smart and finish. I mean a podium would have been as one but I am so happy with fourth I can't complain. It shows that anything can happen especially in this sport. Never give up on yourself. Always always always have self confidence because sometimes you are capable of things you really didn't think you were. The underdog, the girl that didn't think she was ready for this big of a step got fourth. Yes! I am so proud of myself and this just gives me a little extra push to work that much harder and be that much better because now I know I can. I know that even when I don't think it's even remotely possible, it could be so don't give up on any dream. I will do everything in my power to keep myself from being afraid of failing. I will fail sometimes and I just have to accept that those failures will make me stronger and will make me work harder to achieve any goal I could ever imagine.
Well here are some fun things that I want to remember about after the race...
Signing autographs with USA ski cross, the concert afterward, meeting tons of amazing athletes t the VIP rooftop after party, drinking bud light with the big kids, the canadian winner that gave me her victory bouquet, the Swiss guy who totally had a crush on me, kaylin dropping 2 beers in the deck, and the taste of victory :)